Weight Loss Reason #2 - I'll Feel in Control

Weight Loss Reason #2 - I’ll Feel in Control

by Michael on 13/05/09 at 2:56 pm

It’s funny to me that I’m a control freak in just about every other way in my life; but when it comes to losing weight, I feel completely out of control. I’ve been “going to lose weight” for years now, but I have just never managed to make it happen. And that feels like I’m out of control. And most of the time, my eating feels out of control, like I’m trying to feed this voracious animal inside of me that never feels satiated or full. I have had periods where I cart home bags of junk food and lie on my bed watching Law & Order and CSI (yes, all three franchises of each show) and just eat myself into a coma. My last binge like this ended with my type 2 diabetes diagnosis. Now that’s out of control!

I have done amazing things in my life. I started out at 19 years of age as a telephone agent in a call center helping people make hotel reservations; and after I decided that it wasn’t a bad job, within five years, I was managing a call center of my own. I decided I wanted to learn to write better and get published, and I did that, too. When I was intrigued by designing webpages, I got a program and started teaching myself; and now, I run websites and work for myself. So I have a very strong pattern of being in control in one area of my life; but on the other side, healthy eating and fitness has always eluded me.

It’s one of the things that I wrestle with: Why can I do one and not the other? Why can I visualize a career-related goal and work towards and ultimately achieve it; and yet I can’t do the same thing with my body? It’s not for the lack of clear body image in my head â€” I know exactly how I want to look. And I guess that’s what a big part of this weight loss journey is about. I guess I’ll find out as I continue down this road. Right now, I can’t really piece it together. I guess it probably has something to do with external and internal validation. When you do a good job and get a promotion, someone is patting you on the head and saying, “Good boy!” And that feels good and we generally seek more of that. But when you’re on a weight loss program, there’s really no one following you around all day saying, “Good boy, you didn’t eat that donut,” or “Good boy, you went to the gym.”

Often, the validation we get that we’re doing a good job comes from the scales. And that’s a double-edged sword. No matter what the scale says, it’s never good enough until we reach the goal. I may lose three pounds this week, which is great, but the flip side of the coin is that I’d still weigh 309 pounds. But when our boss gives us praise and a promotion, we generally don’t say, “Nah, it wasn’t that great and I sure don’t deserve this promotion.”

So, the reason that I have embarked on this journey is to get some more control back in all areas of my life. I would like to eat in a more measured and healthy way; I’d like to find a way to say to that voracious appetite, “I’ve had enough,” and I’d like to feel like I’m controlling my food and not the other way around.

I think achieving that begins with saying, “No.” I think I started to learn this last night. I came out of the home office a few minutes before dinner was ready, but I was ready for dinner right then. I went in the kitchen and saw that there was about five minutes until dinner. “But I’m hungry now,” I thought. I looked around for something to snack on until dinner was on the table, but I caught myself and said, “Just go and sit down. It’s only five minutes.” I did that and I didn’t die, and thankfully, I probably saved myself an extra two to three hundred calories. I was in control. Later that same evening, as I was relaxing with some television and I was wondering about getting through the whole evening without snacking. It was chewing at me. So I decided that if I was really mourning that there were no more meals to look forward to “tonight” that I could have a snack â€” one snack. So I had a small bowl of granola and strawberries. And that was it. And again, I survived.

I think my problem with control is that I don’t like to hear the word “no.” And that’s probably because it’s mostly what I heard when I was a kid. (Hmmm … that’s new … a-ha moment happening here.) And I wasn’t just hearing “no” from my parents, but from everyone around me. And it wasn’t always just “no,” but criticism in general: “No, you can’t have a cookie,” or “Why can’t you be a normal boy,” or “No, you can’t play with us,” or “Red-headed woodpecker!” (I was a freckle-faced, redhead as a kid.) Years later in my teens it changed to: “No, you can’t get your ear pierced,” or “No, you can’t wear those clothes,” or “No, you can’t be friends with your teacher,” and “Faggot!” By the time I hit adulthood I was so tired of hearing “no” that I guess I just decided it was time for “yes.” Ultimately, the cult of yes led me to bankruptcy as I hauled out my credit cards for any little thing I wanted, and then, over the years, five and ten pounds at a time, I yes’d myself to a whopping 312 pounds.

Wow! I’m really having a huge moment here. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my weight problem in this way before. I have always wondered why I couldn’t do anything about my weight, and I think I’ve hit a big part of it with Weight Loss Reason #2. Losing weight requires that I say “no” to myself more than I say “yes” â€” sort of. I’m not talking about starving myself, but I’m talking about saying “no” to bad foods and “yes” to good foods. Saying “no” to potato chips but maybe “yes” to a handful of raw almonds. But even with good foods, sometimes I just have to say “no.” If I eat 3,000 calories of lettuce and tomatoes every day, I still won’t lose any weight â€” calories in / calories out. So I have to come up with a food plan, and then, say “no” when I want to eat outside of that plan. And since I don’t like the word “no” this is going to be challenging.

I know I’m not done with this one, but I need to take a break and let it sink in.

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Mary

May 13th, 2009

Sometimes the weight gain (or loss) is perceived as control. The constant negative feedback leads to a strange self-justification, a screw you attitude where I say “It’s my body, I’ll eat what I want and if don’t like me I don’t need you”. Unfortunately, its ultimately just me bowing down to negative external pressure and then entering into a useless rebellion.

Anyone who has battled with weight over a prolonged period has similar stories. I’m very proud of you for having the strength to share yours.

Much Love,
Mary
Rachael

May 13th, 2009

Hey

That is a real moment of clarity there Mike - I think its emotional maturity that we all need to make the difficult choices, and to allow ourselves to stand up and say yes to the things that on a deeper level we ahve always wanted. No is such a pervasive word - it seeps in and starts to become a mantra - rebellion comes in the form of yes to the things that are damaging - just because we can!

I think you’ve nailed it - its something I struggle with too and moments like this when you can suudently see yourself as a work in progress and contextualise the things that you have been struggling with, are I think, the basis of real, fundamental change.

Thanks so much for sharing this. Its going to be an exciting journey with you.

Rach xx
Michael

May 13th, 2009

Rebellion! Yes, that’s it. I never thought of it that way, saying “yes” all the time is rebellion.

Thanks!
Michael
Susan

May 13th, 2009

I love it when a-ha moments occur -it’s like a breath of fresh air that feeds new life into a conscious choice of being more aware, courageous and true. We all have a child in us that says “I want it now!” -hey I have a 4 year old who says it daily! The cool thing as adults, we can offer up choice, understanding and even a little compassion when a basic urge is presented. We have a choice of saying “yes” or “no” as well as a choice to act or stay still. Your response will often depend on the ability to stay present, aware and recognize the power of choice.

Your candidness, humour and strength are fully appreciated and you are becoming stronger everyday! Whew hoo!
Miss V

May 14th, 2009

I guess it’s all in how we use language.. and you know all the self help books mantras.. like saying silly things to ourselves (or so they seem when you first start saying them) they could be anything.. like.. “what a great day” when you feel like ass in a bag of crap, until you eventually shake your funky mood..

I thought of something .. if you don’t like the sound of “no”… how about saying “YES” to being in control of your appetite? “YES” I’m going to control that today.. “YES” I’m going to lose 3 pounds this week.. as you’re staring at a donut..

I guess, a shift in focus.. ?

So I’m going to try that this week.. (or what’s left of it)
YES, I’m going to take the dogs for a longer walk.. “YES” I’m going to go grocery shopping and actually buy food you have to prepare..LOL I’ll let ya know how it works out for me..

Thanks.. I’m going to stop in and read your blog all the time now.. you’ve inspired me!