Beating the Bulge

Day 20 - I Hate You Jillian Michaels

by Michael on 16/05/09 at 5:00 pm

I don’t normally work out on weekends; in fact, weekends are usually when I let everything slide. This weekend I want to break this pattern. Instead of having three big breakfasts at the greasy spoon at the corner, and instead of letting my eating slide and not working out at all, I’m trying something different. This morning I got up about 7:30 a.m. and headed for the gym.

The other day I talked about the exercise card set by Jillian Michaels called Hot Bod in a Box (click link to read the post) and so I decided since I’m trying some new things this weekend, I might as well go all the way. I hate you Jillian Michaels! What a tough workout! I couldn’t even finish it.  But I did more than half of it. And tomorrow, I know I’m going to feel it. Over 100 of two different kinds of squats (sumo and regular) yikes! I may not be able to walk tomorrow.

And I love how my resolve is tested as soon as I make a new promise or vow to change something. Here’s what I mean. I arrived at the gym and did my ten-minute cardio warm-up. I was in the premium member’s locker room at the YMCA, which has a small, private workout area with mats, weights, and a half dozen machines. It’s nothing like the full weight room upstairs, but for what I have to do with my Hot Bod in a Box circuits, it’s perfect. And the great thing about it is that the sweaty masses are upstairs grunting away while I get to workout in near solitude.

So I’m getting ready to head over to the mats and in walks this guy I can’t stand. He’s a friend of an ex-friend, and he’s one of those A-list gay men who isn’t really on the A-list, but thinks he is and looks down at people like me who are looking up and wishing I were hanging with Kathy Griffin on the D-List. Great! So now I’m going to have to haul my fat ass around these mats with this guy doing one-arm push-ups beside me. Jillian Michaels, did I mention that I hate you?!

But I’m not in the gym for this guy, am I? So I just said to myself, “Get over it!” I even did burpies, which are these things where you start in a squatting position and you jump up in the air with your hands over your head. My big belly is still flying up as the rest of my body is falling back down into the squat. They’re not the most graceful thing for a 300-pound man to be doing, but I’m doing them because I want the “hot bod.”  I’m even trying not to worry about my big, hairy belly falling out of the bottom of my t-shirt.

I did three full circuits and most of the fourth circuit. When I saw “mountain climbers” were next, I called Jillian Michaels a nasty name and packed it in. I was too tired to try these things. For mountain climbers you have to bend over and place your hands on the mats, then with you fat ass sticking up in the air you have to kind of run. I can barely even hold the pose without adding running to the equation. And with my knees slamming my 50-pound belly into my chin with every step, I just don’t feel like going there — not with the A-list queen watching. When I saw the last two things in circuit five were just as challenging, I just thought: “I’m done. You did a good job today. You can humiliate yourself more tomorrow.”

As I left the gym I checked my heart-rate monitor — 427 calories. Geezuz! That’s all! I should at least get another 400 humiliation calories, don’t you think? Okay, but let’s put this in perspective. On a normal Saturday I wouldn’t work out at all and I’d head to the greasy spoon on the corner and have a big breakfast, which I estimate is about 1,500 calories. Instead I got up and had a Clif bar, which is 250 calories; I worked out for about 40 minutes, and then, I had a protein shake, which is about 300 calories. So I saved myself 1,000 calories in food and I burned another 400, so I’m still ahead by 600 calories. And I feel better that I challenged myself to do something different and met the challenge. But I still hate Jillian Michaels, and I don’t think I’ll like her any better tomorrow after those muscles have tighten up.

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